how does your husband(wive) orboy(girl) friend deals with it

[patrice]

Hey all,
just had a major 'fight' wit my husband .Once again he is complaining that I am thinking to much abouth this' Rosacea thing' , and that it is not the R.that is the problem but the way I am dealing with it .I should learn to accept that there are things in life you cannot change and stop fighting 'windmills ' That's what he calls my trying ipl or looking for treatment He says his life is limited by all the triggers I try to avoid (hot temperature or very cold and so on )
I feel so alone because I expected him to be the on to understand me and be there for me
I know he has dealed with a lot of my problems already but I felt like i was doing o.k. in dealing with it , looking for treatment yes but getting out of a deprssion , living each day at the best and enjoying the things i can do instead of grieving the ones I cannot
How do I react without making this worse,
Patrice

[alpha_waves]

buy some Belgian chocolate for him, that might help! otherwise find someone else, Im a 31 years old bean, would that be something for you? :|

[ihaterosacea]

My husband is quite supportive...now. It took some time to convince him that this disease is for real and it's not just petty complaining.

Try having your husband read some of these posts. Maybe he will begin to understand just how debilitating this disease is.

Good luck!

[alpha_waves]

i think the Belgian chocolate idea is better, doubt he wants to be part of this depressive universe

[clsykes00]

Patrice,

I think this is a larger issue than anyone can address in one message on this board. Have you considered going to a relationship counselor? I am serious!!! I have an outstanding relationship with my fiancee, but we still went to a relationship counselor to work on things and continue to improve (just showing that I truly believe in this stuff).

The reason I say this is that simply pushing and pulling for each other's point of view usually doesn't work. A relationship in my mind is about sharing and understanding each other. But, I doubt you will make him understand by "beating it into him." Sometimes a counselor can help the flow of communication and understanding between the two of you. And know that he will never fully appreciate or understand what you are going through. But he may be able to at least sympathize.

Dr Nase also said something really smart to me once. Make sure that those days when you aren't having a bad rosacea day are spent showering attention for your loved one. Because the days that are bad, you will need them there for you. In summary, I think the give and take are just more extreme and volatile while having rosacea.

And my last bit of advice revolves around finding new things to do together. Rosacea likely is taking some of the things you two used to enjoy doing together, which could have been part of the reason you two got together in the first place. You have to find replacements for those things. If you are active, try bowling as an example.

Just some thoughts. I think about this issue alot myself since my fiancee is my #1 priority in life!

Best,
Trey

[alpha_waves]

beating down my rosacea is my #1 priority in life and Im afraid that wont change ever! well, guess counseling is OK but not sure that all husbands wish to participate in that kind of stuff...I would say Ok and probably sleep during the whole session or look at my clock :|..could be a facade but yikes no I dont like such debates about "what I feel" :x at 100 dollars per consultation :roll:
somehow its waste of time trying to make a match out of people who cant communicate with eachother, if you have kids together OK do some efforts, otherwise just split for the sake of yourself and your partner..people who cant sort things out themselves are doomed to fail (in my opinion) things dont come easy though and conflicts are natural, but if the conflicts dont cease after some days your relationship is a mistake

[clsykes00]

beating down my rosacea is my #1 priority in life and Im afraid that wont change ever! well, guess counseling is OK but not sure that all husbands wish to participate in that kind of stuff...I would say Ok and probably sleep during the whole session or look at my clock :|..could be a facade but yikes no I dont like such debates about "what I feel" :x at 100 dollars per consultation :roll:
somehow its waste of time trying to make a match out of people who cant communicate with eachother, if you have kids together OK do some efforts, otherwise just split for the sake of yourself and your partner..people who cant sort things out themselves are doomed to fail (in my opinion)

Alpha,
Everyone has different priorities in life. Clearly yours and mine are different, and I can respect that. Good luck with your decisions. I hope they work out for you.

Best,
Trey

[alpha_waves]

I have to face reality, and reality is that my rosacea is incompatitible with any relationship whatsoever, its cool with me..I dont want to waste others time and its waste of time living together with someone with my kind of rosacea. When you are young you should travel, go out drinking etc..I cant and will never be able to do those things..this is not fair to do to anyone else, we only live once. I fully understand all those who dont want to share a life with us severe cases...we are intolerable to live with, thats the reality.

[slippy]

Patrice - try vbeam pulse dye laser. It has quite an incredible affect on Rosacea. It cleared mine up 80% - I'm just left with a persistent nose R. Head, cheeks and other small areas are zapped - gone for good. Only had 3 treatments @ £200 each.
Maybe it depends on who's using the laser but you should try it.

[alpha_waves]

patrice, chocolate, a kick in the cr...... :) .or pm me for my phonenumber :-$

[patrice]

thanks all for your sympathy and advice.
I will reply later coz i m so tired right now (that's what fighting does to you i guess)
I wil try again to find a way' to make peace' with my husband, but these arguments eat enery
We have been to a councler together and it has helped (I think so) but my husband is quite sure that 4 years should have mae me accept this disease and iif he would have it he would not care so much ! (and I believe him ) But it mustbe possible for someone to sympathise even if it takes a long time
Greets
Parice

[claudia]

I believe relationships must be hard for everyone who struggles with this disease. I know my first marriage was very emotional partly because of my dispair over my skin. A disease like this will bring out the best and the worst in people...it is a real test of what a person is all about. My first husband was very selfish...hence he had little desire to understand or be supportive of me when I had flare-ups. Of course, he was selfish in other aspects of our marriage as well so it didn't last. My second husband is a much more empathetic person...he grieved with me when my skin was at its worst :oops: . He kept giving me hugs and supporting my search for a "cure". He's totally understanding of my wierd diet and lifestyle (...no triggers!...) cause he can see the results. I only share this because I think people like my husband are out there and I truly believe we need supportive people in our lives as part of our treatment "regime"...why? because rosacea is greatly affected by stress and emotions. Even if you're not getting the support you need from your significant other, then get counseling for yourself. When I was in the thick of it with my first husband we were really poor so counseling was not financially possible but "free" alternatives are out there...I talked with my priest and went to self-help groups (when my skin wasn't flaring) and I took a big "leap" and started talking in depth with 2 girlfriends who stuck by me...they gave me great advice on finding a "good" guy...after everything else failed with hubby #1. And they "knew" me...they were willing to listen to me fuss when my skin was icky. Hang in there and keep searching for people who affirm your self-worth \:D/

[alpha_waves]

I edited out my joke 8-[
well, Ill try to be a bit serious this time. Relationships have conflicts and it doesnt matter as long as its not a permanent thing. If you love him and he loves you there is probably a solution to things. If he is a prick and isnt nice to you, you should not put up with this and say good bye. Its natural that he is fed up with this, I truely understand those who cant cope with this, it must be annoying listening to complaints about diseases you dont have. Some may empathise more than others, but dont expect that your partner has the capacity listening to your talks always, sometimes he might need some space to deal with problems of his own..like buying his favorite Godiva truffles you forgot all about :roll:

[Barbara]

Hello Patrice,

I’m sorry to hear what you are experiencing with your husband. Of course spouses generally should support and care for the partner if she/he is in a distressing situation. That might be fighting against rosacea or another illness, having problems with the job or any other stressful situation in life. Of course this isn’t always easy, especially if a stressful situation is going on for a long time. But if he his telling you that “you should learn to accept that there are things in life you cannot change and stop fighting 'windmills” , he seems not to fully understand the huge impact rosacea has on ones live, nor does he know about the possibilities of treatments, especially then newer and upcoming ones. You are definitely NOT fighting windmills, but doing a great job in NOT giving up and persevere in finding every possibility to heal and have a better live. On a long term basis, once you are better that will make your relationship easier. Definitely tell him this! Your husband should understand this and support you with all his strength. When he is complaining about his restricted lifestyle because of your triggeravoidance…sorry, but in my opinion this is selfish from him. He can’t only pick out the joyful things out of a relationship.

Perhaps you should show him this 40 quotes of rosaceasufferes on Dr Nase’s internetside (http://www.drnase.com/quality_life.htm) to show that you are not overacting with the restrictions in your life. And you definitely should show him a lot of posts of this board showing the huge possibilities of ipl and new upcoming medication. Tell him that you would mostly appreciate every support from him. And if he is actually supporting you (even if it is only a small thing) let him know that you noticed it and that you appreciate it very much. Give him a lot of positive feedback. Do you already have Dr. Nase’s book? Ask your husband to read it. The more information he has about rosacea the better he can understand you.

Well, these are of course only my personnel opinion and suggestions. I can imagine that this must put a lot of additional stress onto you. My husband is very caring and supporting me in every way and this is helping me a lot. Everyone deserves that.
I feel for you! Hope things will go better in future.

Take care,
Barbara

[Jan Jones]

I have also been blessed with a very supporting husband. I would not or could not have it any other way. When I am having a bad "rosacea" day he says, I wish I could take it from you and put it on me! Get with a couple good girlfriends that will support you and get a buddie system going........or suggest he walk around all day with a couple heating pads slapped on his face to see what you go through! Hope he never gets anything that can restrict his life so much.........he would be his own worse enemy.

[Slippergirl]

While I am extremely lucky to have a husband who provides me with unwavering support, I do know how it feels when someone you assumed you could count on isn't there. When the Rosacea struck, my parents were pretty unsupportive. To their credit, they always listened to what I had to say, but no matter what I said, no matter what they saw, they just didn't get it. I was really hurt and confused, because in the past they were always there for me. They would've moved mountains for me, if necessary. About a year and a half into my struggle with Rosacea, during one of my conversations with my mom, I found out that she had been really struggling with my Rosacea, too. She realized that she was in denial about it because she couldn't believe that this was happening to me, and that she couldn't do anything to make it better for me. It was really hard for her to accept that this was my life. Anyway, she has accepted that this is the way things are for me right now, and she is one of my staunchest supporters again. My dad has come a long way, too.

Don't lose hope that you'll get the support you need! People react differently to things, and things may not always be as they appear on the surface. Sometimes people just need time to come around.

Best Wishes,
Birgitta

[drnase]

Rosacea was a huge burden on my wife and myself. This was primarily because she had seen me at my best ad all of a sudden plummet into a non-functional being.

Wow was it head.

To be quite frank, almost half of my official Rosacea Consultations are spent talking to the spouse or girlfriend to tell them it was not in the head, it was a very real physiological disorder and there is great hope in the future. Spouses like to hear professionals plummet too for some reason.

very tough subject that someone should write an article on. That is one reason why I gathered those 40 quotes about rosacea' effect on life.

[drnase]

Int J Dermatol. 1997 Apr;36(4):259-62. Related Articles, Links


Psoriasis and sex: a study of moderately to severely affected patients.

Gupta MA, Gupta AK.

Department of Psychiatry, University of Western Ontario, London, Canada.

BACKGROUND: Psoriasis can have a significant impact upon sexual functioning for 30%-70% of patients. We examined the dermatologic and psychologic factors associated with the effect of psoriasis on this important dimension of quality of life. METHODS: One hundred and twenty consenting psoriasis patients (63 men and 57 women; mean +/- SD age, 46.8 +/- 15.7 years; mean +/- SD total body surface area affected, 53.4% +/- 22.9%) completed a battery of questionnaires which included their response (endorsed with a "Yes" or "No") to the following question: "Do you believe that since the onset of psoriasis your sexual activity has declined?" The differences in dermatologic and psychologic measures between the subgroup that endorsed a "Yes" response and the subgroup that endorsed a "No" response were examined. RESULTS: Forty-nine out of 120 patients (40.8%) were sexually affected, i.e. they endorsed a "Yes." There were no significant differences between the affected and unaffected groups with respect to marital status, age, sex, and duration of psoriasis. The affected group reported more joint pains (P = 0.01), marginally greater psoriasis severity affecting the groin region (P = 0.07), greater scaling (P = 0.06), and greater pruritus severity (P = 0.07). Psychologically, the affected group had higher depression scores (P = 0.02) which were in the range for clinical depression, a greater tendency (P = 0.02) to seek the approval of others, and a marginally greater tendency (P = 0.08) to drink alcohol. A decline in sexual activity was related to a decrease in the patient's sex drive for 42.6% of patients; however, only 14.9% of these patients attributed the decline in their sexual activity to decreased sex drive of their spouse/partner. CONCLUSION: In addition to some dermatologic factors, comorbid psychologic factors, such as depression and a tendency for alcohol use, may be important determinants of decreased sexual functioning in psoriasis.