Rosacea and relationships

[pinkpunk]

I am a 30 yr old women with long term rosacea (subtype 1 and occular) and I also get homonal acne which I control with the oral contraceptive.

I can do a pretty good job of concealing my skin issues with makeup and ironically I have had a lot of compliments on my skin, but I feel like a fraud because it isn't 'real'.
Anyway I hate people seeing my naked face, or even my face too close up, and I have found it particularly hard with boyfriends..I feel ugly without makeup on.

I'm currently single and if I meet someone else I know I will be insecure about my conditions and being seen au naturel..does anyone else have issues in this area and how do you deal with it?

[phlika29]

Oh yes, this has always been an issue and I am not sure that I can offer any words of comfort, just that you mirror my thoughts on ths subject.

When my rosacea was a lot worse (and I had alot more dilated veins than I do now) I struggled with this whole-makeup/fake/look bad underneath thing as well. I would do whatever it took to hid my face/skin-get up early/sit a certain way/etc. To be honest though i do feel men maybe notice less and ofcourse when someone likes you they are going to be alot less critical than we are about ourselves.

Maybe it would help to think of it the other way around. If you liked someone would you care that they had rosacea of some other skin condition. We tend to make such a big deal of it ourselves that sometimes it almost becomes a way of defining ourselves. However the amount of people who when i mention I have rosacea say they had no idea and had never noticed.....

[Melissa W]

I think we all feel this way to a certain extent at one time or another. console:

If you look around though you will see that very few people are "perfect" looking. Sure there are people with gorgeous skin but not that many and anyway when someone likes you for you the skin is not a consideration. I promise you that. When you meet that right guy he will not care if your rosacea is flaring or not. I speak from experience. I have had some pretty severe flares and my husband says I still am beautiful ( and I believe he feels that way) and it doesn't bother him except for the pain I am in from the burning of the flares.

Beauty is truly from the inside and when you meet the person you are meant to be with he/she will not care how your skin looks. Rosacea can be a great weeder out of undesirables IMO that otherwise might fool us into believing they care about us. That really is a blessing in disguise because don't you want to find someone who will be there through good times and bad? Relationships are all about being there for the other person. A soft pillow to fall on and someone you can share all your innermost thoughts and fears with and who won't run away. Anyone can be there when everything is great and easy. But it takes a special someone who will tough it through with you no matter what. And believe me that guy is a keeper and when you do find that person you will see that rosacea will not affect your relationship.

Best wishes,
Melissa

[mattdog323]

I have this issue and honestly at the end of the day it comes down to just accepting ur self ,

And if u try and try and find it hard to do,

Therapy is a big helping hand,

[allibear]

II can do a pretty good job of concealing my skin issues with makeup and ironically I have had a lot of compliments on my skin, but I feel like a fraud because it isn't 'real'.

Dear pinkpunk, why should you feel like a fraud? So many women look completely different with and without their make-up but it is quite a usual thing for woman to wear these days and we get the advantage of getting away with reinventing our looks as we choose both with hairstyle changes using different make up colours for diffrent occasions and with diffrerent clothes etc.

Just think of all those hollywood stars, professionally 'made-up' and 'touched-up' every ten minutes of the day, have you ever seen the undesired photograph of them caught without their makeup? I remember seeing a close up of Cameron Diaz caught without makeup and my skin at it's worst looked better, (well maybe a wee bit of an exagerationlaugh:) but you see my point? She is allowed to do a cameleon act with make up so why not you, you are just as 'special' as a hollywood star.

They manage to have relationships and you look at some of the men they dangle off their arms...then I would wonder what half of them would look like without their makeup!shock:

If changing or hiding the appearence of your skin makes you a fraud then I am the biggest fraudster of all LOL. Even before I had Rosacea I always wore makeup and I can tell you I look completely different striped bare than with it. You see I have no eyes! My eyes only appear on the third coating of mascara and once I strip it off they are gone agian LOL.

I have had some cruel comments whilst in a relationship about how I looked without make up and that was pre Rosacea explosionyes: and have also had some totally accepting that women cover their flaws and like to enhance their appearance with makup. I remember one guy I went out with many, many years ago used to stand behing me in the mirror while I was doing 'my face' and do his Rolf Harris impersonation whilst doing those whacky paintings that he just seem to make up as he went along, "can ye tell what is yet?" behind my back, but all in good humourlaugh:

It all depends on the person and you have to remember if the person can't accept you for who you are then they are not worth wasting your time, energy and affections on anyway.

[dave75]

I think it doesn't make much of a difference in a relationship...hopefully for most. I think once a relationship happens, each partner accepts each other for who they are. My problem is actually getting into a relationship...the whole first impression..."oh look its tomato face boy ewww gross" I haven't been in a serious long-term relationship in like 3 years...and back then, I didn't even have rosacea....maybe rosaceans should date each other...imagine all the romantic moments...applying metrocreme on each others faces....couples vbeam treatments... :)

[mattamx]

In a sense, I somewhat "envy" women with rosacea because it is socially acceptable for them to wear makeup -- at least giving them a fighting chance of concealing their rosacea, and thus appearing normal.

My last girlfriend was a sweetheart in that she rarely mentioned that anything was out of sorts with my face when often it was quite bad. So, yes, I agree with the above poster that it is A LOT easier being into a relatioship if you suffer from rosacea, than it is getting into a relationship when you wear rosacea on your face.

Dating after 15 years of not dating has been a bitch for me. I'd say about 50% of the time my face looks so bad I don't want to be seen, period. The other 50%, my appearance is from near normal to good enough to be in public. But I never know what it's going to be. And, of course, it can change back and forth a few times in a given evening. So, going on a date is like tossing a coin as far as if I'm going to be presentable. Because of that I generally don't even bother attempting to make a date, which is something I need to get past. It is just so hard to be confident and to contain the fear of what my face might do.

For all the millions of people that supposedly have rosacea, I sure don't run into very many of them. I started a thread some time back asking what everyone thought about rosaceans wanting to date other rosaceans. I still hope to run into my rosacean soul mate someday.

[chenoarae]

Goodness, I seem to see people with rosacea constantly! I think for me it's been like one of those new-car phenomenons: you never notice how many of your car is on the road til after you got it!

But maybe there is a disproportionately large number of rosaceans in WA state...lol one of my closest girl friends has a mild case (and she's only 22...I thought this thing was supposed to allow you to have decent skin in your 20's at least!), my stepgrandma had it really bad and it went into remission, my ophthamologist has it, lol even the aesthetician I used to go see. I think people don't notice it in others so much because

A) We are all so darn concerned with our own selves
and
B) We generally see people when they are not flaring (or they covered up w/ makeup or whatever)

As far as relationships - when I was first diagnosed I'd been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. This was when my skin was at its worst, and God bless him - he still maintains that I never really looked that bad! And let me tell you, I did look that bad Cry:

But here's the thing - even then he told me I still looked beautiful, and the biggest relationship problem rosacea had ever caused was because of what I did. I think I asked him just about every day for a month if my skin looked clearer than the day before (I have mostly type 2). Plus every once in awhile I got kinda moody because I thought it was so confusing - I was determined I had an allergy or something, and I just thought it was so unfair.

Basically I'm saying here that I was the problem - and not my skin, or the way he saw me (which never changed). It was my moodiness, my transient depressions and the way I saw myself that may have ever affected us.

The bottom line here is that we are mostly all way too hard on ourselves. Most of us believe that when someone looks at us, rosacea is all they see but that is simply not true. I won't deny that people judge your apppearance first and foremost when deciding if they want to come over and hit on you or something (because what else does anyone have to go on?) but even then, I think lots of people would be surprised as to how little strangers really do notice skin tone. I remember, pre-rosacea I never noticed anyone's skin - it was simply never a problem for me, so I never looked at anyone else's skin to judge it (of course now I notice skin constantly - maybe that should be a caution against dating a rosacean! They'll constantly be evaluating your skin!). And I think that my boyfriend thinks I have perfect skin because he doesn't really have skin problems - it just doesn't cross his mind.

We all have the ability to seriously mind-f*** ourselves over this, I know. I think the biggest shame about rosacea is that it keeps us from doing what we want - but certainly the one thing we should not allow it to keep us from is being open to meeting the right person, and that is all about looking outside one's self and focusing on someone else - if you can do that then at least you won't be stressing yourself into a flush smile:

[valby]

^ I agree. I know I bring attention to my skin problems and I now notice everyone elses skin 10x more than I used to. My partner is so great. He also claims that he can't see anything wrong with my face and that he loves me regardless of rosacea or acne.

Now I have to learn to take it easy on myself and not look at my skin with utter hatred.

[dave75]

mattamx - i'm with you - if I'm on defcon 9 on the redness scale, it does make it difficult to get motivated to get out there and mingle. In some cases, I think dating another rosacean could be a good thing...at the very least, the worry about what the other person thinks about your appearance is pretty much gone...and a lot of the anxiety would be gone. I think if two people love each other and both happen to have rosacea, then that's just an added perk in a sense because the understanding is there.

I think chenoarae makes a pretty good point about how we live in our minds a bit too much regarding the rosacea....god knows i'm guilty of that one. It does kind of have a snowball effect...one negative thought grows into a bigger one, etc. I like your saying, "its about looking outside one's self and focusing on someone else" very well put.

[Spav]

I agree it's much harder to date with rosacea. I also think that having a positive attitude and not focusing on your self can only go so far. Not just with dating but with socialising in general. I'm the same as mattamx my skin can change very quickly. One moment i'm fine the next there's a lump under the skin that will tear my face to pieces for the next week.

It's why i hate committing to any social events in advance and tbh why i don't even consider dating.

We might be our own worst critic, but people do notice rosacea flares. I notice strangers staring at me when i have flares. Even the other week i didn't think my skin was actually that bad and a friend at work decided to bring up the state of my nose in front of about 10 people and started comparing me to rudolph.

[Southpaw72]

Sorry to hear that spav. It sucks when you think you're looking ok and all it takes is a comment or a look to make you come crashing down :( Or even when you know you look bad, why do some people just have to stare or comment??

I don't date either because of my skin. I do a pretty good job of covering up but there's no way I'd let someone I cared about see me without my "mask" on. I don't like looking at myself without makeup on, so why would anyone else want to? I know, we really are our own worst critic, but I can't help feeling this way.

A dating site for rosaceans would be great! Just being able to really open up to someone who knew what you exactly were going through would be such a release.

[mattamx]

Chenorae,

You are quite correct. The inner beauty and personality and character of a person is what they should be recognized and judged for. Unfortunately, that's not the way it really happens in life. Obviously, nearly every person on this board is here primarily because of the appearance altering facet of rosacea. People are very visual animals. The first qualities that attract us to another person are almost always things having to do with that person's appearance. And even if you're an idealist, your mate's physical qualities remain a major attractant throughout the course of a relationship. There is just no getting around it; we're simply hard wired that way. And a person's face is their defining feature. It is, in the largest part, what makes you be you. That is why this condition is so tragic for many who suffer it.

Yes, we can, and probably do psych ourselves up to be so down about our appearance. And I think it is good to develope the ability to ignore one's condition. But it only works so far. When I ride the public bus to work every day I can tell the difference between the casual glances I receive when my skin is almost normal, and the long gazes and rude stares I endure when my skin is really bad. I'm not paranoid. It is very real and not in the imagination of someone who's "being hard on himself". I've had rosacea for over 30 years and the stares still make me cringe, and I just want to fade into the background. I will never get used to it. You can't really ignore it to the point of being comfortable with rosacea. So, all we can do is try to get on with things the best we can.

[chenoarae]

I get what you're saying, so I don't really have anything to add.

Only that, one thing I've learned in psychology classes is that relationships tend to work best when traits are in (near) equality. This includes levels of perceived physical attraction.

But what about this:
Instead of dating a rosacean and limiting yourself to such a small sect of society, open yourself up to meeting other kinds of people who see themselves as having unlovable physical flaws - there are so many people out there who think no one will ever find them attractive because of whatever. It could be acne, backne, KP, melasma, vitiligo, bad teeth, bad breath, blindness, deafness, overweight, underweight, BO, chronic yeast, incontinence, infertility, ED, herpes, HIV, cancer, whatever.

And I'm not being facetious (sp?) here (of course you'd probably draw the line somewhere), just pointing out that we've all got issues, and many of us believe that we'll never meet someone because of them. So much of dating is just confidence, because it's sexy. I know it's easier said than done. But the nice thing about people is that there's a reason why people say "fake it til you make it" - most of us can't tell the difference between genuine and feigned confidence.

[Melissa W]

Matt I do agree with you up to a point. But it all comes down to if you are attracted to the person.
Women especially are attracted very much to personality.
I swear to this as a general rule.

No matter how attractive a man is if he isn't smart and quick as a whip and can't make me laugh then I am not interested. And conversely if a man is funny, confident, smart and sweet he becomes good looking to me despite his objective physical appearance.

If an objectively handsome man is not a nice person, dull and not funny he becomes not good looking in my eyes. This is the absolute truth. The physical appearance falls by the wayside every single time when it comes to a great or terrible personality.

Believe me as a woman who is tuned in to what most women feel. I am not wrong here, I promise.

Best wishes,
Melissa

[GJ]

But what about this:
Instead of dating a rosacean and limiting yourself to such a small sect of society, open yourself up to meeting other kinds of people who see themselves as having unlovable physical flaws - there are so many people out there who think no one will ever find them attractive because of whatever. It could be... infertility, whatever.


That's a rich seam right there, Matt: infertile supermodels. Good luck!

Melissa, you are an absolute angel.
Your husband is quite a handsome devil if I recall, perhaps an 8.1 out of 10.

[Melissa W]

oops, I am so sorry Mitch blush:
I called you Matt by accident. Forgive me it was early when I first responded to your post sidehug:
and I also just wanted to add that I think you are handsome from your picture so please do not construe my post to mean you are not good looking. Just letting you know that it really does not matter at all. It truly comes down to personality. That is what makes you attractive to another individual. I mean that with all my heart sidehug:

GJ
Thanks very much. To me, Greg is an absolute dreamboat of course but that is totally because he is so funny, smart and kind.
I hope all is well with you. hi:

Best wishes,
Melissa

[mattamx]

Melissa,

Don't worry about calling me Matt -- at least you're calling me.

Thank you very much for the compliment, although I'm uncertain that I qualify for handsome. I was thinking, though, that I would be a lot better off to invest in a real haircut. lol

Mitch

[chenoarae]

That's a rich seam right there, Matt: infertile supermodels. Good luck!



Anyone remember Shallow Hal? The toes? laugh:

[jhnnygdy]

I was a dating machine a few years ago in my early 20's but I haven't been in a relationship for over a year since I split with my fiance. I probably had mild rosacea when I met her at my gym a few years ago. But at the time I didn't let the rosacea dictate what I did very much. We were very active and went running played tennis, traveled alot, it was fun. I was only using sunscreen and metrogel. The first 6 months were awesome. The next 6 months I was getting worse so I started getting IPL every month and then started traveling for IPL with an expert. During this time I began cutting out alot of activities and there was some strain in the relationship. Our next year together wasn't as good. The IPL weren't helping and I started on Vbeams which were intially promising for thread veins and flushing but ultimately disappointing. I was getting to be grumpy and broke all the time. I spent most of my time recovering from various lasers. I quit my gym, tennis, running, and almost all travel. Then the ocular rosacea kicked in and I really became an unpleasant SOB. We parted ways after 26 months because I wasnt the same guy she met. I felt that if I loved her I should set her free. Which was the unselfish thing to do even though it hurt more than all the laser treatments combined... If I am ever able to manage the rosacea better than maybe I will try again with someone else.

[Melissa W]

I'm so sorry John console:
I know that you will ultimately get your symptoms under control and then you will find that special person to share the rest of your life with. And maybe not 100% in that order but they will both happen sidehug:

[darild]

It's good to read this board, especially when I'm feeling blue about my condition. I realize how silly it is for me to feel sorry about myself for having Rosacea. I've been married for nearly three years and my wife knows about my condition but she says she can't see anything wrong with my face. It is true that we tend to be extremely critical of our own appearance when most people can't even notice it. Trying to get that to sink in is quite difficult, but it sure does help to persuse this site. It's good to know that we aren't crazy and they're plenty of people who are thinking the exact same way. Not that we want this condition, but it's good to be a part of this community for support. There's some great posts in this thread. Thanks for the great contributions. Definitely lifted my spirits!

[allibear]

In a sense, I somewhat "envy" women with rosacea because it is socially acceptable for them to wear makeup -- at least giving them a fighting chance of concealing their rosacea, and thus appearing normal.

Well I do agree that we do have the upper hand in that respect even if your caught trying to scratch your face off underneath it sometimes. I do hope nobody looks on and thinks I have herpes on my face or something. Though I suppose it's worse to get caught scratching your 'girlie' bit's down below in public which I have to admit if one hits I don't even stop to think about a scratch.

I wonder if men run away from me really because of the few raised lumps under the makeup or the fact that I am prone to scratching, wherever, if the need arises public or not, and it looks like I carry some sort of rare confectious disease.laugh:

[allibear]

there's a reason why people say "fake it til you make it"

I thought it was 'if you don't quite make it, just fake it'laugh:

[allibear]

Women especially are attracted very much to personality.
I swear to this as a general rule.

Best wishes,
Melissa

Personality and honesty all the way the only two things that count....although I could be drawn to the infertility criterialaugh:laugh:laugh:

[Melissa W]

Personality and honesty all the way the only two things that count....although I could be drawn to the infertility criterialaugh:laugh:


laugh:laugh:

Can't argue with you there grin:

[phlika29]

I thought it was 'if you don't quite make it, just fake it'laugh:

bugger thatlaugh: I much prefer 'if you dont quite make it, point this fact out and make some suggestions'laugh:

[Melissa W]

bugger that I much prefer 'if you dont quite make it, point this fact out and make some suggestions laugh:


laugh:laugh:


http://www.ehow.com/how_2085654_please-woman.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art

http://www.helium.com/items/1100409-how-to-please-your-woman

I know you were all probably wanting something a bit more explicit blush: but this is a rosacea forum after all grin:

[phlika29]

love these quotes

Nothing makes the backs of a woman's knees sweat quite like an unexpected kiss in an unexpected environmentblink: sweathuh:unsure:

Do the dishes. It's a nice break from the drudgery for her, and she'll appreciate you for it.wtf:

[allibear]

I know you were all probably wanting something a bit more explicit blush: but this is a rosacea forum after all grin:

LOL, Mellissa I would say your surfing habits are probably a little more savoury than some, however I still wonder how you dig up all this stufflaugh:

My favorite bits, (no pun intended);

Listen to what she wants in the bedroom. Sex is an important aspect of every relationship. Don't be afraid to ask her what she wants if she doesn't talk about it. Surprise her with a new toy

I am definately now not going to go with Sarah's advice and talk about it and make suggestions thumbs:

Enjoy sex with her, not just on her.

Probably the reason for the 'not making it and faking it bit' in the first placemad1:

As we are talking in general about Rosacea and how it effects are personal lives anybody know in what situation they are likely to end up with the biggest flush in, a faked one or the real thing?

[Erikson]

I think it doesn't make much of a difference in a relationship...hopefully for most. I think once a relationship happens, each partner accepts each other for who they are. My problem is actually getting into a relationship...the whole first impression..."oh look its tomato face boy ewww gross" I haven't been in a serious long-term relationship in like 3 years...and back then, I didn't even have rosacea....maybe rosaceans should date each other...imagine all the romantic moments...applying metrocreme on each others faces....couples vbeam treatments... :)

tart:LOL OMG u really made me laugh!!!

[Elke]

I am a 30 yr old women with long term rosacea (subtype 1 and occular) and I also get homonal acne which I control with the oral contraceptive.

I can do a pretty good job of concealing my skin issues with makeup and ironically I have had a lot of compliments on my skin, but I feel like a fraud because it isn't 'real'.
Anyway I hate people seeing my naked face, or even my face too close up, and I have found it particularly hard with boyfriends..I feel ugly without makeup on.

I'm currently single and if I meet someone else I know I will be insecure about my conditions and being seen au naturel..does anyone else have issues in this area and how do you deal with it?

Hello,
I guess I know how you feel because I'm also scared when people see me without make-up. It feels like everyone is staring at my face. When I get a flush or when there is change of temperature, I know it shows on my face and other people see it...then I feel ugly. It makes me really insecure. I don't want to go out without wearing some make-up, I feel naked without.So yes, I cry about it and want to feel natural and without make-up like other woman can.
2 years ago I got to know my boyfriend, I tried to hide the rosacea, but you can't were a mask everytime, everyday. He asked me about it and I told him I thought it was rosacea. He sad he loved me better without the make-up, just natural,I didn't believe him and still felt insecure in the relationship. I used to get really jealous when he looked at other woman, because I know he loves natural skin. I felt down because I couldn't be natural, eventhough I want to.
Today we went to the dermatologist and my boyfriend now knows and understands what it is and that I can't help it.
I still feel insecure with my boyfriend but it gets better everyday cause I know he really loves me. But in public I still need make-up.....!
You will find someone who will look past the rosacea and love you for who you are, you'll just have to believe that person.So just be honest and get "naked" when you are ready for it, then you will feel so much more relieved. Good luck. x

[Lookout]

It's good to read this board, especially when I'm feeling blue about my condition. I realize how silly it is for me to feel sorry about myself for having Rosacea. I've been married for nearly three years and my wife knows about my condition but she says she can't see anything wrong with my face. It is true that we tend to be extremely critical of our own appearance when most people can't even notice it. Trying to get that to sink in is quite difficult, but it sure does help to persuse this site. It's good to know that we aren't crazy and they're plenty of people who are thinking the exact same way. Not that we want this condition, but it's good to be a part of this community for support. There's some great posts in this thread. Thanks for the great contributions. Definitely lifted my spirits!

That's odd that your wife says she can't "see" the rosacea on your face. Maybe yours is so mild it isn't noticable OR she's just trying to make you feel better. My husband can see mine.....so do all the derms & doctors I go to.....in fact this last place I went to the nurse went so far over as to say she thinks I have lupus! I told her NO it's rosacea... I have been married for 20yrs this Aug....and this nightmare came on me 9yrs into my marriage.....I know I look bad without makeup.....so for me I wear it so I am comfortable...but at night when I have to wash it off I still don't want my spouse seeing meCry:.....I turn all the lights off except the TV....that's when I look my best....in the dark LOLgrin:

[snuffleupagus]

At least you guys can wear makeup... My entire face is so flakey i can't. It would just turn into a big horrible mess. :(

[Melissa W]

I don't feel better wearing makeup in front of my husband just in front of other people. When I get home I am happy to wash my face clean of any makeup and I am not the least bit self conscious around my husband when I am flaring/flushing. I think it is important to do what makes you the most comfortable so if that is to wear makeup then definitely go ahead and if that is to be without it then that is great too. Whatever works for you yes:

[valby]

I have always found that wearing makeup provides a protective barrier on my skin, so that honestly it does better with makeup than without. Anyone else find this?

EK1 have you experimented with many formulations? It took me ages to find a foundation that didn't accentuate my dry/flaky skin. The only one I can use is Armani Hydraglow and then I put emu oil under it. I am prone to breakouts but this combo works fine. Suprisingly I found that MAC studiofinish concealer also really great-all other concealers look cakey on me.

The other thing you might try is a tinted moisturiser?

[snuffleupagus]

valby ive tried creams, watery creams, thicker creams, powder... it honestly doesnt matter. Your foundation is only as good as the skin underneath. I would never be able to wear oil underneath unfortunately. I tried jajoba oil once and wow, big mistake. Not a pretty sight haha. It just makes me so mad that i cant cover my rosacea and people complain when they can and even get compliments about their skin! I have never gotten a compliment on my skin in my lifetime! Sorry guys, but i would never feel like a fraud, everyone in the world practically wears makeup. Most celebrities look awful without it. /end rant.

[Lookout]

Valby.....yes I too find that foundation provides and "extra" protective layer for my skin.....I need that and my skin is very translucent.

Ek1.....if you have lot's of flakes or a film on your skin you are right....all foundations will look dreadful when applied.....I gently remove any build up I get....have you tried to do that???? I do it in the mornings if I need to...then a very very lite lotion (vanicream lite lotion at walgreens) and my spf....then my cream foundation that has spf also....powders bother my rosacea...they are all to drying even mineral ones....as zinc or rice powder and magnesium sterate is used and these all dry it out more and set it off to flare up.

[snuffleupagus]

Yes i have tried. I could keep rubbing and rubbing and there would still be flakes. There is no end to them.